Lesikar's Business Communication: Connecting in a Digital World 13th Edition by Kathryn Rentz,Paula Lentz

Exercise 50

As a student employee in your school's human resources department, you've attracted positive attention for the ways you've improved the writing on the department's website. As a result, the assistant director has asked you on several occasions to critique other written material, such as news releases and university announcements from this office. That business communication course you took last semester must have really paid off!
Today your boss drops by your desk with a printout of an email that he's frowning over. "We're not getting the participation we want in our yearly Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day," he complains. Handing you the email, he says, "Here's what we sent out this year. I think this invitation may be part of the problem." You read what it says:
Subject: Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day-April 23
In accordance with the national "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day," university faculty and staff are invited to bring their children who are between 8-18 to work with them on April 23. This day will expose children to activities that occur on a typical day at Heartland University. It will include departmental tours, financial awareness workshops, Public Safety fingerprinting and mug shots, visiting a residence hall, athlete autographs, recreation center activities, and dining discounts. Faculty and staff who would like to participate should reply to Amber Bradley at the email address above or call 572-3384 by April 21. Please include the following information:
Your name, department, and phone number
Number of children
Age of each child
To learn more about the national program, please visit www.daughtersandsonstowork.org \ wmspage.cfm?parm1=485. If you would like to provide a different learning activity for the children, please contact me immediately.
Amber Bradley
Human Resources
572-3382
You agree that the invitation is not very appealing, nor does it answer some of the readers' likely questions. Using your best problem-solving strategies for persuasive requests, rewrite it for your boss. (Your instructor may substitute a different campus event.)