Business and Administrative Communication 10th Edition by Kitty Locker,Donna Kienzler

Exercise 29

Revising a Letter
You work for a credit card company and asked your assistant to draft a letter to new customers who have recently opened an account. The purpose of the letter is to inform clients of the services available to them, persuade them to use the services, and build goodwill.
Subject: Credit Card
Dear Sir or Madame,
This letter will let you know about our organization and what we can do for you. We believe that you will like using our services, as we offer many convenient ones.
Before we tell you about the great services we have to offer, we want to let you know how glad we our to have you as a new customer. We got out of our way to make sure you get the best benefits. 2% back on grocery purchases, no annual fee, and reward dollars-who could ask for anything more ! Shop, Shop, Shop and the rewards will pile up. Go online to sign up for rewards so you don't lose out. While your there, don't forget to enroll in e-mail alerts to remind you of upcoming due dates.
We have been helping clients for almost a quarter of a century and are happy your apart of the family. Like a family member who just drops in, you get to chose your payment due date. Now how's that for convenience!
Thank you for joining our service. We look forward to continuing our business relationship with you.
Sincerely,
This draft definitely needs some work. It lacks you-attitude and needs attention to the organization. Moreover, the new services are not clearly explained, and there are many mechanical errors.
As your instructor directs,
a. Write a memo to your subordinate, explaining what revisions are necessary.
b. Revise the letter.