William Has Drafted the Following Email Message to the HR

William has drafted the following email message to the HR manager of Hi-Tech Systems,enquiring if the company has a position open for Software Developer.Analyze the message and point out errors that will likely reduce the effectiveness of the communication.Redraft the email by following the tips for effective email messages.
From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]
Subject: Need help
Hi Lily,
Thank you for your time.I am a graduate in Computer Engineering from the University of Waterloo.I am presently looking for a job as a software developer and am interested in working for Hi-Tech Systems.
I have been following the company for several years now,and IMHO,it is the best place for a fresher in the industry to learn and grow.Hi-Tech Systems has distinguished itself as the company to have filed for the HIGHEST NUMBER OF PATENTS in 2010! It has also been selected as EMPLOYER OF THE YEAR by leading business magazines for four years in a row.I mean,what's not to like?
I passed with honours at Waterloo and received the "MOST PROMISING STUDENT OF THE YEAR" prize at our graduation.I am a good team player,voted leader of my student team.
PFA my resumé.Please let me know if you have a suitable position open for me.I hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
William Chandler